Week 34 Day 5 - Why This Baby Registry Scared The Crap Out Of Me

8:50am




While sitting down last night, relaxing, and skimming through a baby registry, my wife steadily passed a description that I had never seen. Lost in the mix of diapers, onesies, rattles, and bottles, there it was. There was the item that made me think, wait a minute...

Scroll back up. Did I just see what I think? This can't be right.


But I was right. I hadn't been seeing things. My mind was perfectly clear. The dreaded two words that I have never seen in combination before. The two words that can scare the crap out of someone. Literally.

Rectal Thermometer

Rectal thermometer? I'm sorry, but did that just say RECTAL THERMOMETER?!

As in like, goes in your butt, rectal?

Oh no, there is no way I am going to be able to put anything inside my child's butt. What happened to the ear ones? I remember those from when I was little. Or how about the simple one that you put under your tongue? Why do we need to put anything inside an innocent behind? Someone, please explain!

I figured the best, most responsible thing for me to do, would be to do a little research. Maybe there is a reason that people find the need to stick metal objects up there instead of simply using an ear, or mouth, for the exam. Let's see what I can find.


Apparently, rectal is THE MOST accurate. It is the only way recommended to take temperatures of babies up to 3 years old. The ear version, is the least accurate. That's what I used when I was little. Maybe that explains why I turned out like I did...


Still, no matter how accurate it is, it still is very unappealing. I know I wouldn't want to have a rectal temperature taken. I mean, look how comfortable it looks - 

They forgot to tell you, that once you insert, just let it dangle for a while. Can you imagine being that poor child during this photoshoot? 

"Sorry, we didn't like the way that picture turned out. Let's try again. Ready for attempt #7."


It's nice to know that they have "themed" thermometers for the kids now. What's better than having SpongeBob up your butt? I bet these children never look at that TV show the same again.

I am a dad, not a doctor. I can surface heal, but internally? No. And please don't ask me to. 

Good thing we registered for an ear thermometer! 

(Realistically, I will probably be taking rectal temperatures. Damn.)

Did you take your child's temperature rectally? Were you uncomfortable about it? Let me know!